Trying to remember why I'm here
by Amourlecture
Summary: Everyone knew Racetrack as a carefree and sarcastic guy, but Jack knew a different side of him. One that was struggling to make it through everyday. Follow Racetrack as Jack helps him get over one of his addictions.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi everyone! This is my first fanfic I've ever written, so please tell me If I've made any mistakes. I'm going to go ahead and apologize for my attempt at new york accents. Please review!**

 **Warning: Minor cursing and mentions of drinking.**

The moment I woke up, I knew something wasn't right. My head felt like it was going to split open and I couldn't remember for the life of me what my middle name was. Then, like I'd been slapped in the face, I remembered the night before. 'What a wonderful way to start the day', I thought bitterly. When I finally managed to open my eyes, all the boys were already out of bed and getting ready for the day. Sitting up, I put my feet on the floor and stood up, a little too quickly. My vision went spotty and I was almost certain I was gonna throw up.

"You good racer?" said a voice from behind me. I knew that voice all to well. No way was I gonna get pasted Jack without him seeing I was hung-over.

Before I could answer though, Specs jumped in from the bathroom and said "He's fine Jack, probably just drank too much last night." Shit. I reminded myself to kill him later.

Jack slowly looked from Specs and back to me and said, "That better not be true racer."

I weighed my options and decided I'd be better off telling the truth. Looking down at my feet, I said, "I might've had a drink or two." Jack's face turned bright red and I knew I was in for it then.

"What the hell racer?! You's promised you's was quit 'in" Jack yelled, and in the process, drawing the attention of everyone in the room.

"Jack, now when did I even say that?" I said hoarsely, like I didn't know what he was talking about. And just my luck, it didn't work.

"Don't play stupid, you know what I'm talking about." Jacked said, somewhat calmer than before.

"Look, I had a tough day yesterday, give a guy a break." I said smoothly, brushing past him, trying to get to the bathroom.

"I a'int through talking yet" Jack said grabbing my shoulder and turning me around.

"You's said you was gonna quit."

I was really getting feed up at this point. I knew he was trying to help, but I really wanted to punch him in the mouth.

"And I have, starting right now.", I said, pushing his arm off my shoulder.

"Race, you's was doing so good. You hadn't drank in a week. Why mess it up now?", he said looking at me with that stupid look he got one of the boys got hurt.

"I ain't talk'in about this no more. Just. Drop. It", I grounded out, finally losing my patience.

"Jack, just drop it", said a voice from behind us. Crutchie, ever the peacemaker.

Glancing to crutchie and back to me, Jack sighed and said," We's talk'in bout this later." Like hell we were.

"It's a date sweetheart", I said trying ease the tension I started.

Jack gave me that stupid look again, but I'll give him credit, he turned around, dropping it, and started helping the little ones get ready.

I looked back at Crutchie and mouthed 'Thanks', before turning around and slapping Specs upside the head. As I got ready for the day, I thought once again, 'what a wonderful way to start the day'.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hi again! It's been awhile since I posted the first chapter. It took a lot longer than I expected to finish editing the second chapter. However, I finally finished so here it is! Please leave a review and tell me if I've made any mistakes.

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Newsies or any of its characters**

 **WARNING: Curse words and mentions of drinking**

Stepping out of the lodging house, I stopped and took in a deep breath. It smelled like sewage and fish. I smiled, thinking to myself 'smells like home'. I started down the street and ran to catch up with the boys. Coming up beside Romeo, I said "So I's heard you was out with a lady last night?"

Romeo ducked his head and muttered something along the lines of "Just another date."

I smirked at this and said "You's was out with Anna again weren't ya?"

He looked up at me like I was crazy and exclaimed, "I's dumped her last week. I was out with Nancy last night."

I reasoned with, "How am I supposed to keep up with all your girlfriends? You goes through them like I goes through cigars."

He faked a shocked expression and stuttered "You wound me."

We kept joking till we finally reached the newspaper distribution center. When we got there, the Delancy's were already opening up the gates.

"Well look what we have here Oscar." Morris said, walking up to us with his hands on his hips. "Looks like a bunch of ugly ass orphans."

"Alright you two, don't even start", a voice said from behind us. Jack. Perfect timing.

"Aw, will you look at that, your daddy's here to protect ya.", Oscar cooed. I thought they were gonna stop there, but ever the Delancy's they were, they just had to continue.

Morris walked up to me and asked in a fake concerned voice. "You ok Higgins? You look like you've been drinking." He stopped for a few seconds before he continued with "Looks like you really are turning into your old man."

That really set me off. I would've soaked him right there, had Jack and Romeo not grabbed me by my shoulders.

"You take it back right now you asshole!", I yelled, fighting against the grip Jack and Romeo had on me.

"Alright boys, knock it off." Weasel said, appearing from behind a stack of newspapers. He grabbed Oscar and Morris by the backs of their shirts and shoved them towards a pile of newspapers.

I was still breathing heavy when Jack and Romeo finally let go of me. Jack gave me a look, as if asking, 'You good?' I nodded at him, probably a little to quickly for his liking, but he let it go and got in line.

When I got to the front of the line, I slammed my money down and snatched my papes from Morris. 'One of these days I'm going to lose it and soak them', I thought bitterly, shoving my papes in my news bag. Grabbing my cigar from pocket and lighting it, I stepped out onto the streets. Starting another grueling day of work.

Around lunchtime, I had already sold all my papes, so I headed inside the racetracks in Brooklyn, grabbing some lunch nearby first. I stayed there until the last race of the day, even though I had lost all my money long before that. I decided I would head back to the lodge house long enough to grab the money I hide under my mattress for emergency's like this. I really needed a drink after the day I had.

When I got to the lodge house, only a few boys were there. I walked over to my mattress and lifted it, looking around first, and grabbed the money. On my way out, though, Specs stopped me and asked "Where are you's going?" I replied with "None of your business. I'll be back before curfew." 'That was another lie.

When I left the lodging house, I headed toward a bar in Queens where no one would recognize me. I had been kicked out of nearly every bar from Manhattan to Brooklyn. The bar was hidden in an alleyway, next to a deli. Usually I wouldn't go down an alley at night, but I needed a drink bad. I didn't know what I was gonna tell Jack when I woke up with another hangover the next morning, but at the moment, I didn't even care.

When I reached the bar, I opened door and was immediately overwhelmed with the smell of smoke and beer. Sitting down at the bar, I ordered the cheapest beer I could. They didn't even ask for an ID, as long as I had cash they didn't care. As soon as I got my drink I almost immediately downed it and ordered another. I continued this process for about three hours before I ran out of cash. Stumbling out of my seat and towards the door, I headed to where I hoped the lodge house was. It probably wasn't the best idea to be walking around in New York City at night, but at the moment, I couldn't even remember my middle name.

I miraculously made it back with out getting mugged or passing out. Now all I had to do was get inside without waking up Jake. I climbed up the fire escape, almost falling off a few times. When I reached the top though, I was meet with the sight of Jack sitting in the windowsill. He looked up at me with a stoic look on his face.

"You was out late. Anything I need to know about?", he said in a flat voice. With the look he was given me, I knew he wasn't gonna go down without a fight.

I decided I was too tired to deal with him, so I just made up a lie. "Didn't mean to make you worry. I went over to Brooklyn and played cards with the boys. Won all their money too." I replied, smiling so he would believe me.

Jack stood up and walked towards me. He stopped in front of me and responded, "You know that's funny Racer. Spot and the boys left about a hour ago." My smile quickly faded at this statement. He raised his eyebrows at me. I knew I was caught.

"Look Jack, we's can talk bout this in the morning. I'm tired", I slurred, trying to push past him , and in the process, almost stumbling into the side of the building.

"Racer, look at me", he said with a concerned voice. When I turned around he had that concerned look on his face he always got when one of the boys got hurt. "You was doin so good. You hadn't drank one night this week.", he continued. At this I looked down at my feet. Little did he know, I had drank every night this week.

"Anthony, look at me", he declared in a serious voice. He never used my real name. When I looked up I saw a disappointed look I had seen one too many times. "You only drank yesterday and today, right?", he said, probably begging me to say yes.

I didn't even try lying this time. "Jack, look give me a break. It's not easy to quit when I've been doin it for years.", I muttered, looking back down at my feet. Jack didn't say anything for a few seconds, so I thought he was gonna let it go, but just my luck, he didn't.

"Racer", he said, grabbing my shoulder and forcing me to look at him. "You's gonna get yourself killed if you keep doin this. It ain't healthy." I knew he was just trying to help me, but for some reason, I went off.

"You think I don't knows that?" I yelled, getting in his face. "Do you think I want to end up like my old man?" I continued, hating how my voice cracked.

Jack gave me a confused look and demanded, "What the hell are you's talking about? Your old man was a no good drunk who liked to beat on his kid. You are nothing like that.", he said softly.

At this I just had to sit down and put my head in my hands. For some reason, I didn't believe a word he was saying. I heard him sigh before I felt him put his hand on my shoulder.

"You knows I 'll always be there for you right? Brothers look out for each other.", he declared. When I didn't say anything, I felt him get up and start walking towards the window. But before he Climed in, he said, "If you can't do it for yourself, do it for us", he begged. And with that, he climbed in and shut the window.

I sat there for probably ten minutes before I sighed and stood up, brushing the dirt off my pants from the fire escape. I opened the window and climbed in, tip toeing towards my bed. When I layed down though, I couldn't stop thinking about what Jake had said. Before I fell asleep that night, I promised myself that I would stop for myself and for my brothers.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hi, so I know I have been posting randomly, but I'm going to try to update 3 times a month. Also, again, I'm sorry if I make any mistakes. Please tell me if I do, but anyway, please enjoy and leave a review!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Newsies or any of its characters**

 **Warnings: Cursing and mentions of drinking**

I woke up to the feeling that someone was watching me. Opening my eyes, the first thing I saw was Jack standing beside my bed.

"What the hell Jack?", I said jumping out of bed, and in the process, almost falling flat on my face. Jack had a determined look on his face and I knew I wasn't going to like whatever he said next.

"Start'in right now, I ain't lettin ya out my sight when we's done sellin.", he stated, staring down at me. 'No way in hell was I gonna let this happen', I thought to myself.

Crossing my arms, and glaring right back at him, I said," Jack I ain't three, I's can take care of myself." I had taken care of myself long before Jack even knew I existed.

Jack got a look on his face that said 'are you serious?', before saying, "You's obviously can't racer. Look at ya self, you's can't even go one night without drinking." He had a point there, and I had told myself I was going to quit, but not like this.

"You's can't follow me around all day Jack!", I burst out, quickly getting irritated, and in the process,drawing the attention of all the boys in the room.

"I ain't, just when we's done sellin", he said, like that was any better.

I was about to say yell a string of strong words at him, but he said, "I ain't listenin, meet me outside the tracks when your done sellin", and with that, he walked away, heading out the door. I stood there stunned for a few seconds until Romeo snapped me out of it.

"You's comin race?", he said, putting on his hat and leaning against the wall, waiting for me. Grabbing my hat, I nodded and followed him out the door.

The whole day while I was selling though, I couldn't stop thinking about what Jack said to me.'If I really wanted to, I could go a night without drinking'. After all, if I was going to quit, I had to start somewhere. Banishing those thoughts from my head, I tried to focus on selling. And before I knew it, I was out of papes. It had taken me longer than usual to sell my papes today for some reason. It was already almost dark outside.

I went ahead and sat on a bench outside the racetracks, willing myself not to go in. It was pure torture. I could hear the cheers and boos of the crowd as the race made or broke their day. Sighing, I looked around for any signs of Jack and pulled out the flask I always carried around with me. Glancing once again for Jack, I quickly to a sip. Followed by a few more sips, until before I knew it, the flask was empty. Stuffing the flask back into my pocket, I waited impatiently for Jack.

After about thirty minutes, Jack finally showed up. Standing up, almost stumbling, and walking over to him, I said," Took you long enough. I've been sittin here listin to that for half an hour", pointing towards the racetrack.

Jack just rolled his eyes and stated, " Quit your grippin. I showed up, didn't I?"

I was just ignoring him at this point. "So what are we doin anyway. I could be winning money right now", I whined.

Jack stood there, crossing his arms, before saying, " Well, what do you usually do?" To answer him, I proudly spread my arms in the direction of the racetrack. Rolling his eyes once again, he grumbled, "Besides that. What else?"

'Go drinking', I thought to myself, but no way could I tell him that. "You don't wanna know", I said, settling on that.

Jack just stood there for what seemed like forever, before he got a look on his face I had seen too many times. He was determined about something.

"I knows what we's gonna do", he stated, already walking ahead of me, motioning for me to follow him. Running to catch up to him, I lit my cigar and said sarcastically, " I can't wait."

We walked for about ten minutes in complete silence. It was driving me crazy. Finally, I couldn't take it any longer, so I casually said," So, where are we goin anyway?"

Without even turning his head, Jack replied, " A bar."

This stopped me in my tracks. "You was the one tellin me I needed to stop and now your taken me drinkin?", I shouted.

"We's not drinkin", Jack said, finally looking at me, with a smirk on his face. I must have had a confused look on my face because Jack laughed and slung his arm around my shoulder. All he would say after this was, "You'll see."

We reached a bar, which to my surprise, I had never been to. Jack opened the door and walked inside like he had been here a million times before. Following his lead, I opened the door and was met with the familiar smell of smoke and beer. Jack had walked to the back, sitting down at a table I didn't even notice at first. Walking through the maze of chairs, tables, and drunk men, I sat down across from him and in the process, drawing the attention of a waiter.

"What can I get for you boys?", said the waiter, not even asking for our ID's. She looked like she was in her mid-20s, and she looked like she'd had had a drink herself.

I was about to say, 'the cheapest beer ya got', but Jack cut in and said," We's don't want anything right now, but thanks sweetheart." As he finished talking, he winked at her. She giggled before saying, "Alright but let me know if you need anything." She then walked away to the next table, stumbling a little.

Once she left, I looked back at Jack with wide eyes and grumbled, "What was that?"

Jack rolled his eyes and stated, "I think you've already had enough, race" I just gave him a confused look, pretending like I didn't know what he was talking about. Before I could say that, he put his hand up, signaling for me to stop.

Sighing, knowing that I was caught, I muttered, "Then what are we here for?" The whiskey I had drank earlier was already wearing off, I really needed a drink.

"Observing", Jack stated, as if that told me everything I needed to know. My temper was dwindling away real quick.

"Observing what?", I grounded out. Waiters kept passing us, carrying various drinks with them. It took everything in me not to grab one the drinks.

Jack sighed before leaning towards me and pointing at a middle-aged man at the bar. "You see that guy there? He used to be married with kids and everything", Jack said, as if I cared. I gave him a look that said exactly that.

Jack sighed again. His patience with me was going out the door real quick. "Used to racer, he used to be married with kids. Don't ya get it? Look at what drinking's done to him. His wife probably left and took the kids with her. He probably has nothing now", Jack explained.

"How do you even know this?", I questioned.

"That's not the point race. I'm tryin to show ya how your gonna end up if you don't stop now", he stated. I knew he was right, but I didn't want to admit yet.

"I know my limits Jack", I said flatly.

Jack snorted before catching me on my lie. "You and me both know that's a lie." Once again he was right. I never knew when to stop.

I looked down at the floor after that, trying not show how much this was bothering me. Instead of being defensive, I decided I might as well at least try reasoning with him.

Looking up at him, I mumbled, "Jack, I really am tryin to stop. You's don't know how hard it is",

Jack looked at me before he closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. He looked stressed, no doubt due to me. When he raised his head, I was met with exhausted and worried eyes.

"Racer, I'm just worried about ya. I mean, your my little brotha, how can I not be?", he said softly. Jack continued, sayin, "Racer, you know I'm going to be there for you while you get better, right?"

Finally giving up, I huffed before I mumbled with a sad smile, "So I guess I really am doin this, huh?" Jack got the biggest smile on his face and he reached across the table to pull my hat over my eyes.

"I'm damn proud of ya kid", he remarked, still smiling like a fool.

That night, we walked back to the lodge house laughing and joking. I was in one of the best moods I had been in a while. I knew what I was about to do was going to be hard, but Jack would be there to keep me in line. Though little did I know, the next few days were going to be some of the worst of my life.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hi again! Took a while to finish this one, but I finally finished it last night. I would have posted it earlier, but I was stuck at school and didn't have my laptop. But anyway, here it is! Please review!

Warnings: Some swearing and mentions of drinking

Disclaimer: I do not own newsies or any of its characters

As soon as I laid eyes on racer, I knew the day was going to be tough. He looked like he hadn't got a wink of sleep and the poor kid wouldn't stop fidgeting. Throughout the whole morning, I kept an eye on him, knowing sooner or later that he was going to crash. We were on the way to the news distribution center when I finally broke down and stopped him. Putting my hand on his shoulder, I said, "Look race, you obviously ain't feelin too hot. Why don't ya take the day off."

He gave me confused look before replying, "I's fine Jack, just tired." And with that, he turned away, or at least that's what I thought he intended to do. Instead, he quickly brushed past me, ducking into a nearby alleyway, before promptly dropping to his knees and throwing up what little breakfast he had eaten.

"Shit", I said out loud, before running and crouching down beside him. The poor kid sounded like he was trying to hack up a lung. All I could do was rub his back and keep him from falling flat on his face.

After about 5 minutes of this, he finally stopped, though it took him a while to catch his breath.

"You okay race?", I said, trying not to sound too worried. All I got in reply was an attempted nod.

"Jack?", said a voice from behind us. Turning around, I saw Romeo with a worried expression plastered on his face. Behind him, all the other boys were standing there with similar looks on their faces.

Swallowing hard, I said, "You fellas go on ahead. I can take him back myself", 'if he'll let me', I thought. Slowly, all the boys left, but Romeo wouldn't budge.

"You sure Jack? He don't look too hot", he said, walking closer.

"I's fine", race said hoarsely, speaking for the first time in minutes.

Rolling my eyes, I retorted, "Yeah, and we's rich," Turning back to Romeo, I said, "Go ahead kid, I got him"

He stood there for a few seconds, probably deciding what to do, before he sighed and muttered, "Alright, but come get me if ya need help." And with that, sneaking one last glance at race's shaking form, he turned around and ran to catch up with the others.

Looking back down at race, I realized Romeo was right, he looked even worse than before. His head was plastered with sweat and he was shaking like a leaf.

"Race?", I said, leaning down so he would look me in the eyes. I was meet with a sweat-drenched face and puffy eyes.

"I's don't feel right Jack", he said, before plopping down and resting his head on the wall behind him. He was still breathing too hard for my liking.

Adjusting so I was crouched in front of him, I said, " Why didn't ya tell me you's was feelin bad? Then I wouldn't have to carry you all the way back home." He didn't even crack a smile.

Sighing, I put my hand to his forehead, feeling for a temperature. To no surprise, he was warm. Standing up, I held out my hand for him to take, only for him to just open his eyes and look at me.

"Come on, I's don't have all day", I said, motioning for him to get up.

Grumbling under his breath, he let me help him to his feet. For a second, it was all good, until he nearly face planted.

"What the hell kid?", I shouted, barely catching him in time.

"Jack", race croaked out. "I think I'm gonna-", he never got to finish what he was saying, for once again, he fell to his knees, throwing up. He was starting to scare the hell out of me.

Crouching back down, I placed my hand on his shoulder, waiting for him to finish. After what seemed like forever, he finally stopped, shakily trying to get on to his feet.

"Race, maybe you should-", I started, before he cut me off.

"I's fine, just dizzy", he said breathlessly. He swayed dangerously and made a grab for the wall beside him. I went to put his arm around my shoulders, but he swatted my hand away, mumbling, "I's fine, just give me a second."

"Would you's stop being stubborn for once? I's tryin to help ya", I shouted. Making another grab for his arm, I wrapped it around my shoulders and started the short walk back to the house. The whole walk back, race was stumbling around, trying to walk on his own. It took him almost falling on his face twice before I decided I was just going to have to carry him.

Grumbling under my breath, I grabbed under his knees, lifting him up so I was carrying him bridal style. He, of course, had something to say about this.

"What the hell Jack? Put me down!", he yelped, trying to scramble out of my arms.

"Stop squirming, I'm gonna drop ya", I said, adjusting so I had a firmer grip on him. Finally settling down, he huffed and glared at me.

When we finally reached the lodging house, I opened the doors and walked over to his bed, setting him down.

"Don't move", I ordered, before running to grab a bucket and glass of water. When I came back though, I was meet with an empty bed.

"Race?", I said, putting down the bucket and glass of water on the nightstand. looking around the room.

"Right here", said a voice from across the room. Whipping around, I saw something I hadn't before. He was peaking out of the bathroom, holding onto the doorway for support

"What the hell do ya think you're doing?", I said, striding over to him and putting his arm back around my shoulder. His breathing was once again heavy and ragged.

"Getting something to drink", he said, clearly out of breath, gripping onto my shoulder for support.

Walking back over to his bed, I sit him down and handed him the glass of water on the nightstand, giving him a look of disapproval. He quickly gulped it down, ignoring my warnings to slow down.

Once he finished, he handed it back to me, before leaning back and closing his eyes.

"Well aren't ya gonna tell me what's wrong? ", I questioned, sitting down on the end of his bed. "And don't ya lie to me", I warned.

Cracking his eyes open, he said quietly, "This is the longest I've been without a drink in months Jack. I was bound to feel like crap."

I was really, really stupid. I hadn't even thought about that.

"Shit, race I's sorry I completely forgot. I shoulda known", I said, feeling extremely guilty. What kind of brother was I if I forgot things as important as this?

Weakly smiling, he said, "I's fine Jack, just a little cranky and tired."

"Ya know ya shoulda have told me", I said gently, looking at him, waiting for him to explain why he hadn't. When I got no reply, I sighed and stood up. Grabbing the blanket that was crumbled up at the end of his bed, I covered him up, swiping his hat from atop his head and placing it on the nightstand.

"Get some sleep race", I said, gently ruffling his hair.

Closing his eyes, he said, "Thanks Jack", before shifting to get comfortable. Within seconds, he was knocked out.

Pulling up a chair, I sat down beside him, resting my head in my hands. Sometimes, I could be a real idiot. I thought it would take longer than this for him to start feeling withdraws. Seeing that this was only the start, I was terrified, knowing it was only going to get worse from here.


	5. Chapter 5

Hi! So, first of, I'm incredibly sorry, I have been horrible keeping up with my writing. Its been like 5 months since I last updated, so really sorry. Over the past few months, I've changed the plot to this story several times and just figured out how it was going to end yesterday. This definitely isn't the best writing I've done, so I apologize. Please leave a review! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies our any of its characters.

Warnings: possible suicide is mentioned, minor cursing.

Jack POV

"How many times do I have ta tell ya? No smoking. Ya can't even walk in a straight line for crying out loud", I said, swatting race's hands away from his cigar for what felt like the up tenth time. Ever since he had woken up a few hours ago, Race had been fidgety and trying to drive me insane.

"I's fine now, just a little tired", he said, rolling his eyes. That was an understatement. He looked like he had just run to Queens and back. His skin was still pale and he wouldn't stop shaking.

Taking his cigar from where it sat on the nightstand, I pointed it at him and said, "You is still sick, no matter what ya think. Besides, ya need ta stop smoking these things anyway."

"Look", he said irritably. "I'm not in the mood Jack. Give me my cigar." Sighing, I ran a hand over my face, trying to stay patient. His already short temper had shrunk even more since he had stopped drinking.

"Look, as soon as ya can stand up without throwing up, I'll let ya smoke", I bargained, knowing that it was going to be a long time before that would happen. But, of course, my plan had to backfire. Taking it as a challenge, he said, "Deal", before sitting up and putting his feet on the floor.

"No, no, no", I said, pushing him back down. "That wasn't a dare."

"Get off me!", he shouted, slapping my hands away. He put his feet back on the floor and pushed himself off the bed. He stood there for a second, trying to stay upright.

"Alright, I'm up", he said, already sounding out of breath.

I raised my eyebrows at him, giving him a chance to back out. He glared back at me, motioning for his cigar.

"Right, a deals a deal", I said, handing him his cigar, though I knew he would never be able to smoke it. It surprised me that he even wanted to smoke with how nauseous he looked.

Taking it from my hand, he sat back down on his bed and grabbed his lighter from the nightstand. Though as soon as he brought the cigar to his lips, he turned a pale shade of green. His eyes widened and he quickly clamped a hand to his mouth, gagging.

Grabbing the bucket from where it sat on the floor, I shoved it under his mouth, just in time for him to throw up what little food I had gotten him to eat earlier. Then he started dry heaving, choking on any air that he managed to breath in. After a full minute of him doing this, I put my hand on his back, trying to get him to calm down.

"Race, breath you're choking yourself", I said, rubbing circles on his back. He still didn't calm down though. If anything it got worse. His breathing was harsh and ragged to the point that he had seemed to stop breathing.

"Kid, calm down, ya got to breath", I said, patting him on the back. He nodded before sucking in a short breath and shakily letting it out. It took him a while but after a few minutes he had finally calmed down enough to the point where he was almost breathing normally.

"Ya good now?", I said, placing the bucket back on the floor. I should have known better than to ask him that. He looked like he wanted to cry.

"Let's go with no", he said, letting out a shaky breath and dropping his head in his hands.

Sitting down on the creaky bed beside him, I wrapped my arms around him, letting him slump against me.

"Ya know it would be real embarrassing if the guys walked in right now", I joked, trying to ease the tension.

He didn't say anything, didn't even acknowledge that I was talking to him.

" I can't do this Jack. I can't. I just want ta get better", he suddenly croaked, burying his head into my shoulder.

Sighing, I put my chin on his head and said," I know kid, it's alright. You's going ta get better. Ya just gotta be strong."

He mumbled something into my shoulder, though it sounded like gibberish.

"What?", I said.

He said it again, but the only words I caught were 'one' and 'drink'.

"What?", I said once again.

"I just need one drink", he said louder, his face still smothered in my shoulder.

I knew this was going to happen, sooner or later. He was gonna start falling for it again.

"Race, ya can't have a drink, it'll just set you back even more", I said, hoping he would snap out of it. He lifted his head, a desperate look in his eyes.

"Jack", he pleaded. "I just need one drink, I'll stop after that, promise. Please."

"Race, I'm not lettin ya fall back into your bad habits, forget about it", I said stubbornly.

His face fell slightly and he said even more urgently, "Jack, its just one drink, that's all."

"Race, no. Look at how far you've come. It's almost been 48 hours since you've had a drink. I'm not lettin ya quit now", I said.

His face turned from pale to beet red in a matter of seconds.

"Kelly, ya don't understand, I need a drink", he said harshly. All signs of sadness had turned into anger.

"Race, no", I said, trying to stay patient. "You's staying clean."

"Kelly, if ya don't give me a drink, I'm just gonna go out and find one myself", he all but yelled.

"You ain't goin anywhere Race", I said sternly. "And I ain't givin ya no drink."

A look of rage passed over his face before he tried shoving me off the bed. I fell on my butt in surprise, barely catching his flying fists.

"Race stop!", I said loudly, trying and failing to push him off of me. He didn't listen, still trying to rip my head off. It didn't look he was gonna stop anytime soon. I wrapped my arms around him, pinning his arms to his sides. He struggled even more, kicking his feet instead.

"Race, cut it out!", I yelled, hugging him even more tightly.

"Let me go Kelly!", he screamed, still trying to wriggle out of my grasp. Race was strong for his age, but he still wasn't as strong as me. I held him easily, despite him giving it his all.

"Let me go Kelly!", he said even louder. His struggling had started to grow weaker, despite his best attempts. After nearly ten minutes of him exhausting himself, he finally gave out, slumping against me. He was still for a minute, gasping for breath.

"Ya gonna act right now?", I said irritably, keeping a hold on him in case he decided to make a run for it, though I knew he would never make it down the street.

He nodded his head meekly before he straightened up and sat down on his bed.

"I'm sorry", he said, his voice thick with tears. His shoulders started shaking, setting him off in a fit of tears.

I sighed, wearily sitting down next to him. This was starting to get exhausting. I put my arm around his shoulders, ignoring how bony he was. No matter how much I pestered him, he never ate enough, though, that was a problem for another day.

"Kid, it's alright, ya didn't mean it", I said softly.

He said nothing, his head hung low. I'd only seen him this miserable a few times. Race wasn't one to let people see past his facade. I was one of the few people he trusted enough to let see this side of him.

"I just", he faltered. "When I drink, I don't think. I don't think about my old man, the refuge, nothing. I just forget."

I had never really thought too much about why race drank. It was just something I was used to. Ever since he was 14, he had drunk, though it was usually only for special occasions. Now it all made sense. I mean, if I was in his place, I wouldn't want to remember all he'd been through. The poor kid had been through hell and back.

"Race, you and me both know it ain't healthy ta drink your problems away", I said. "This is gonna sound really weird coming from me, but ya need ta talk about it. Ya can't just hope ta forget the past and move on. It ain't that simple."

Race shook his head, shutting me out. He was nervously pulling at his hair, signaling that he was about to panic. He was gonna start hyperventilating if I didn't calm him down soon.

"I can't, Jack. I just can't", he all but sobbed, burying his head in his hands.

"What can't ya do kid?", I said, encouraging him to spill.

"I can't do-", his breath hitched as if he just realized he was talking. He shook his head once again, curling in on himself even more.

"No no no don't shut me out. What can't ya do?", I said frantically, knowing he was about to break. "Talk ta me Race."

He suddenly stood up, making a break for the door. It took me a second to react. By the time I had realized what he was doing, he had already slung the door open and ran outside.

"Higgins, get your ass back here!", I yelled, sprinting after him. Despite him still being sick, he could still run as fast as a racehorse.

With a sinking feeling, I realized he was heading toward Brooklyn. There was only one place in Brooklyn he would go to in his state of mind. The Brooklyn Bridge and that could only mean one thing.

He was gonna jump.


End file.
